Catechumens: I have an evil twin. It is the self that is pious with the pious but disregards the truth in private. It is the me that speaks one way with the saintly, and another with those who do not see God. I am the man who embraces my brother at Church and rails at my wife at home. I am a divided person, a split-man, half of a soul and part corpse. If a lie is the difference between deception and truth, then the life I regard as my ‘normal’ life is the lie. But then my ‘Church’ life is a lie, too. In truth, there are no half-lies, and there is no half-life. I am either man or wraith, either fake or sincere, either charlatan or disciple.
If I am changed in appearance, in play acting, but my ‘unsupervised’ life is unredeemed, then I am the Pharisee who goes away unfilled. I am the rich man whom the Lord sent away empty. I am that unworthy disciple. I am found with the Lord, but I do not regard Him in my heart. I walk with him, but plan my escape.
Nor do I love others. I am angry but civil. I am thinking of myself but am courteous. I am careful with you my brethren but careless with others and when alone. I do not see the cloud of my witnesses. I do not believe in this Kingdom of which the Lord speaks. I praise the Saints that I may not feel compelled to live as they do. I laud the martyrs that I may not feel compelled to let go of my own life. And I do regard it as my own life; after all, it is all I have. Much good may it do me on that frightful day, since I have laid up no treasure in Heaven and sleep at the sound of trumpets
Deliver me from the Man of Death, O Lord, for like Judas do I give Thee a kiss.
– Catechetical Letter 12/28/2005
Do not befoul your intellect by clinging to thoughts filled with anger and sensual desire. Otherwise you will lose your capacity for pure prayer and fall victim to the demon of listlessness. – St. Maximus the Confessor
O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? – St. Paul the Apostle